barodar: (Default)
[personal profile] barodar
Question:  Say someone asks you for something, and it annoys you.  Say the request was absolutely reasonable, and you're just feeling peevish.  Later, the person asks you if you're mad at them for the request. Do you:

A)  Tell them yes, you're mad at them, and explain that you think they're completely reasonable and you're just pissy.
B)  Deny everything, blame any pissy vibes they're getting on being tired.
C)  Blow up at them and tell them they're too controlling.
D)  Something else.


And this doesn't have anything to do with anyone on my friendslist.

Date: 2008-11-09 05:04 am (UTC)
dpolicar: (Default)
From: [personal profile] dpolicar
Man, it so depends.
A is certainly the thing I'd be proudest of doing. But depending on where the relationship is and where I am, I could easily do B or C. Or any number of D's, including but not limited to
E) Refuse to talk about it and be annoyed if they keep bringing it up
F) Find some unrelated thing to be angry with them about
G) Deny everything and blame pissy vibes on some third party pissing me off
H) Say "Yes" and leave it at that
I) Other

Date: 2008-11-09 06:51 am (UTC)
muffyjo: (Default)
From: [personal profile] muffyjo
I'd probably be inclined to go with A as well. Or a derivative of A. "Well, you do this thing that is normally mildly annoying and when I'm out of cope, it really pushes my buttons."

Date: 2008-11-09 02:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Now, I'm wondering (maybe I should do another poll! This is fun.) if many people will do A with any person, or just those they are close to. I think that act of clarification certainly can be great and useful, and also requires a bit of risk and emotional effort on your part.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, it totally depends. I was just curious about how other people handle this sort of thing. You've come up with some great options that I do, of course, and didn't throw in there. And I think that A is the best option, but could be a lot more work.

Date: 2008-11-09 05:04 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
A and B kind of. I'd say the request was reasonable and that I was feeling pissy because X and it's nothing to do with them. X *might* be tired, might be blood sugar crash, might be upset about something else in the universe--but the explanation is not an excuse, but a reason why I'm not feeling like my normal self. And that would usually go with an apology.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
What would you say if you weren't sure what the cause was? A pissy bubble just rose up and burst?

Date: 2008-11-09 05:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would probably say that I was "stressy" which is generally true and covers a lot of ground. Though usually I try to analyze and understand from when come whatever emotional state, and learning to be more accurate.

Date: 2008-11-09 05:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'd say 'A' with the following modification

Tell them I'm mad, but not at them, but because I'm just (or were at the time) in a pissy mood. This is something I really learned how to do from C. who tends to be very good about knowing when her reaction to something is grounded in the occurrence or is the accidental by-product of her emotional state.

It's an incredibly useful thing to be able to do. It disarms the tension and gives the other person a chance to be compassionate and understanding rather than just hurt.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
That last is a really good point. I probably don't do enough giving people a chance to be compassionate and understanding.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I'm with [ profile] attish2. My moods often have nothing whatsoever to do with the people in my life. I might get pissy with someone, just 'cause I'm in a mood. I'm okay admitting this. Sometimes I try to be preemptive about it. "Hey, I'm not feeling great, so I'm a bit snappish. I can't seem to get rid of it. I hope I don't snap at you, but if I do, please know it's probably not you, it's me. This is all context, not justification." The 'context' part is key. I don't want to feel like I'm justifying my behavior. I may be feeling icky but I don't want someone to feel like I'm trying to make a case that I'm justified in being snappish, even if I'm not feeling the best.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, I think that one's emotional state completely transforms one's ability to respond well. It doesn't *excuse* the response (especially if it's a bad one), but can certainly affect the level of intensity and the ability to respond rationally. I'm working to be able to respond rationally and evenly, even when I'm flooded with emotion.

Date: 2008-11-09 03:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
i agree with the previous points, as well.

you had asked a few times whether the response depends on the closeness to the person. for me, the response depends either on my closeness to the person, or on what my perception is about the person and how close i think we *could* be, even if we aren't yet. i trust vibes a lot, and so if i think that this person and i could be friends, i'm likely to be more forthright with them. i'm also more likely to be aware of my own emotional state, and therefore be *able* to be more centered and appropriately forthright.

Date: 2008-11-10 03:04 am (UTC)
ext_155430: (Default)
From: [identity profile]
Nthed. :)

Date: 2008-11-10 05:41 am (UTC)
queenofhalves: (Default)
From: [personal profile] queenofhalves
Tell them I'm mad, but not at them, but because I'm just (or were at the time) in a pissy mood.

ditto, with more or less elaboration depending on how well i know the person and/or the type of relationship. in a professional situation with someone i don't know well, i'd probably make eye contact and say something like, "sorry for my reaction, it had nothing to do with you" and then by body language or otherwise, end the conversation. for someone i'm closer to, i might explain in more detail or otherwise respond in a way that allowed for more of an exchange.

people can often detect a lie, so B isn't a good option, even for people i don't know well; however, there are some relationships where i don't think the reasons behind my hypothetical pissy mood are reasonable conversation fodder.

Date: 2008-11-09 05:24 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I think I would try to explain that I'm not in a good space, period, being easily annoyed even at things that are reasonable being a part of that at the time they picked up the vibes. More than that would depend on what you mean by "later"; how *much* later? Had I gotten over being annoyed yet? If not, why not? If I hadn't gotten to the root of what was going on with *me* by some later point, I might be more annoyed with *myself*.
Edited Date: 2008-11-09 05:24 am (UTC)

Date: 2008-11-09 02:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
You bring up a good point, that perhaps it might be better, depending on *how* annoyed you are, to hold off on the discussion until you're less volatile.

Thanks! and btw, who is this? I've looked at your profile and I'm not sure who you are! Feel free to email me if you would like to remain anonymous on LJ...

Date: 2008-11-09 03:40 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I do tend to prefer being anonymous on lj, actually:) I tried emailing you at but the message bounced. Below I cut and pasted the message:

(reason: 550 <>: Recipient address rejected: User unknown in local
recipient table)

When you welcomed me to your birthday party, I told you I had not known about it but had gone to meet up with someone there who was visiting Cee. You told me to friend you on lj so I would know about future gatherings...does that ring a bell?

Also, at the ENSMB fundraiser where you were giving folk massage, I gave you reiki in exchange.

If you still don't know who I am, check my profile for what friends we have in common and ask one:)

Date: 2008-11-09 08:09 am (UTC)
ext_36698: Red-haired woman with flare, fantasy-art style, labeled "Ayelle" (graceful)
From: [identity profile]
It depends on who the other person is, how well we know each other, how well we communicate. If it were, say, Nick or a family member, I'd definitely follow path A. In general we communicate very well, and being able to say "Yes, I'm annoyed, but it's about me, not about you" -- that is, when it's the truth -- is ideal, because it will also help in future communications and miscommunications. (It's worth pointing out that if the interaction were with Nick or a family member, they'd probably already suspect exactly what's going on with me; their asking me if I was mad would most likely be their way of saying "I can tell you're irritated; please let me know if it's me or if it's you, so that I can deal with it effectively.")

If it's someone I either don't know as well or don't communicate with as well, though, I'd probably go with B -- deny being mad, say that if I'm giving off an angry vibe it's prolly just because I'm tired or distracted or something. In this case there's too great a chance that if I said "Yes I'm mad, but it's not you, it's me" they'd believe the first but not the second part of it, and that wouldn't do any good. Better to deny being mad because if it really *is* about me and not them, it will go away on its own; telling them about it would only confuse matters. (Obviously, this wouldn't apply in a situation where I really was angry at the other person because of something they did. But that's another kettle of fish.)

Date: 2008-11-09 02:27 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Yeah, it very much depends on your relationship with the person. I would say that I default to B when I don't know the person well, and am not sure about the level of understanding between us. It can certainly be confusing, and require a much higher level of interaction to clarify than the situation might warrant. And yes, if I were truly angry with the other person, that's a different story.

A is certainly what I would hope to be doing with my loved ones....but I need to practice more.

Date: 2008-11-09 01:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
A, thank god. I've gotten reasonably good at articulating when my damage is my damage.

Date: 2008-11-09 02:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
How much do you vary your level of articulation depending on what your relationship is with the other person?

Date: 2008-11-09 03:19 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
I would go with A with some modification. It seems like the request was the annoying thing that made the person mad, not the person asking. So I wouldn't say that I was mad at the person. I would be radically honest and just say that while I felt the request was reasonable it annoyed me.

I find radical honest is the best policy in most cases.

Date: 2008-11-11 01:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile]
Wow, all of your responders are so healthy! I would like to say that I do A most of the time too. Maybe I do. If I do A half as much as I imagine I do, I'm probably doing alright. More characteristic of me, however, is...

SP: would you do A.
FP: no! I simply haven't got the time/wherewithal/interest and snip, peeve, crank.

SP: are you mad at me for asking for A?
FP: I'm not mad, I was just so upset about x, y, z, and I'm so sorry, I'm a bad friend who just can't keep her feelings in. Oh, forgive me. and here, have some A, B and C. But first, please, let me tell you about x. Tell me I'm not crazy for thinking y. I was totally irrational about z, and it wasn't you, it was just that A seemed so very much like z at the time, and I couldn't explain it at the time - Oh, do you still love me?!?!

er, I kinda wish someone would tell me if that portrayal is accurate. I think it is... heh heh heh. That self-knowledge, is a powerful thing! heh heh.
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